love

Getting old is a privilege

By Staci McLean on Thursday, February 9, 2023

Not everyone gets old, not everyone gets to see wrinkles on their face, or their hair go grey. Not everyone gets to see their kids grow up, get married and have their own kids. Growing old is a privilege.

I am grateful that I am getting old. There have been many times when I was younger, where I put myself into dangerous situations and did behaviours that put my life at risk without a second thought. There were times where I was close to taking my own life. One particular night I was seriously considering suicide. I felt hopeless and broken, lost in a cycle of addiction and shame. I thought the world, my friends and family would have been better off without me. But God intervened and change my life forever on that night.

Yesterday was my birthday and it prompted me to think about all the birthdays and celebrations I have had since that night. All the things I would have missed if on that one occasion when I was in so much pain and felt completely hopeless, I took the next step and ended my life. God gave me a gift that night. My eyes were open to hope and freedom. I was given hope, hope that I had a good future ahead of me, that God had plans and purposes for my life and that he cared and loved me. I found freedom, freedom from my addictions and self-hatred, freedom for the guilt and shame that consumed me.

Now I am hopeful and walk in freedom. Grateful that I was given a second chance at life. A chance to do it right and help others find hope and joy for themselves.

Stop complaining about getting older, be grateful for everyday you get to be alive. Every day is precious, so make the most of this very special gift you have been given. Life is a wonderful adventure through valleys and to the top of mountains, so wherever you are treasure the view.

“Do not complain about growing old. It is a privilege denied to many.”
Mark Twain

Click here to find out more about my story and my book ‘Soaring out of the darkness’

Confidence and Self esteem Faith Freedom Hope Inspiration

Live life looking forward

By Staci McLean on Thursday, March 17, 2022

I watched a futurist TV program recently and in it the characters could play back their memories through a chip in their brain. The memories could be projected onto a screen so they could watch alone or with others. They could rewind, zoom in and watch again and again. At first this is revolutionary technology, to be able to rewatch and relive wonderful memories of getting married, of having children, amazing holidays and parties. But instead each of the characters replays failed job interviews, arguments and mistakes, picking apart every subtle movement and every word, trying to figure out what went wrong and still each person would have a different opinion of the experience depending on their perspective.

It might seem like just sci fi and unrealistic but in reality that is exactly what we do when we look back. Have you every re-lived an experience through your thoughts, going over every word you said or did not say, or each response you received back, trying to mind read what others thought of you?

We can get stuck looking back, instead of looking forward.

Most often when we look into the past and dwell there, we are looking at the negative experiences we have had. Looking back at past mistakes and failures and reliving those experiences again and again. It gives us a distorted view and also creates false memories. If you are only running the same experiences looking for the mistakes, you start to believe that your interpretation of events is the actual truth of what happened. The more you think about it, the more important and true the event becomes to your brain. For example, you may have gone to a party and met someone new at that party. That person had just finished a funny conversation with someone else and laughed as they were introduced to you. Because of the timing of that laugh, you interpret it as they were laughing at you. You play that over in your mind again and again looking for the reason or reliving the embarrassment, creating an answer in your mind and now your only memory of the party is negative. But in fact except for that moment, the rest of the party was great but as you only focus on that experience and relentlessly tell yourself he was laughing at you, it becomes your memory.

Always looking back, in a misguided opinion that you can fix or change something is pointless, only ending up in frustration and insecurity. In the present wonderful opportunities and incredible experiences are right in front of you, but looking behind you, you will miss them.

But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 3:13-15

Practical tips to looking forward

Be alert to present opportunities and new blessings – pay attention to what is on your plate now. You have enough to do today, don’t lose time and energy thinking about yesterday. There is work for us to do today, lets put all our effort into that.
When stuck, take baby steps. If the present scares you and the past seems more familiar and safe, take baby steps into your future. We can get stuck in the past, even though it was not good because it is what we know, we know the outcome. It is like watching a rerun of a old movie, you know what is going to happen and you know the main character will make it to the end. But watching a new movie is uncertain and unknown, you don’t know what will happen next. Life is uncertain, there is risk just being alive, but there is also happiness, joy and fulfillment ahead. You don’t need to take huge leaps and jumps into the unknown, you just need to take little baby steps.
Don’t believe everything you think or remember. Your thoughts and feelings can not always be trusted. They are our interpretations of the world based on our knowledge and experiences, the same is true for memories. Be wise about what you choose to focus on. If you are unsure get some guidance from a trained professional. They will help you work through the truth and the distortions in a safe and compassionate environment.

Confidence and Self esteem Faith Freedom Hope Inspiration Uncategorized

You can’t please them all

By Staci McLean on Wednesday, November 17, 2021

Do you struggle to say NO?

Do you avoid conflict and pretend to agree with others?

Do you ignore your own calling, because you are scared of what people will say?

If so you might be a People Pleaser. But what is so wrong with wanting others to be happy?

A people pleaser is someone who tries very hard to make others happy. They will often go out of their way to please someone, even if it means taking their own valuable time or resources away. It sounds like a good thing to care about people and want to help them, but when people pleasing comes from a place of pain and low self esteem it can result in feelings of overwhelm, stress and resentment.

People pleasing is often motivated by a need for approval and to avoid rejection. The striving and work hard is not coming from a place of fullness and joy but a place of emptiness. Instead of serving from self-less love, people pleasing is serving to meet a need for personal validation. People pleasing at a deep level is striving to please ourselves through the praise of others.

The danger in our desire to please, we might overlook or put up with behaviour which not acceptable. We might get carried away with a crowd and not stand up for what we believe because we don’t want to risk rejection. We might burnout because we take on too much responsibility.

We are not called to make other people happy. We are called to LOVE people not to please people. They are very different things.

Love can be gently challenging or correct someone.

Love can be saying NO to a request because they need to learn on their own or it is not good for them or someone else deserves an opportunity.

Love can be telling the truth about your own feelings even though it might hurt someone’s feelings, but result in a deeper honest relationship.

People pleasing is about serving YOU. Love is about serving GOD.

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Galatians 1:10

You can recover from being a people pleaser

Practice listening and expressing your own thoughts and feelings, with kindness and love.

Take your decisions to God in prayer, rather than asking everyone else opinion.

Set boundaries. Respect yourself and other people, by being reasonable, honest and clear.

Encourage, respect, love and serve others. But do not compromise or bend to get their approval. You do not need it.

Addiction recovery Confidence and Self esteem Faith Freedom Hope Inspiration Stop your excuses

Pain Management

By Staci McLean on Monday, October 4, 2021

“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.”
Westley, The Princess Bride

In the iconic and well loved movie the Princess Bride there is the above quote, which I love. Westley was right. Life is full of pain, that is the cost for the human experience. It comes with grief, disappointment, anger, hurt feelings and pain – physical and emotional. We tend to think that pain is the problem in our life, but pain itself is not the problem. The problems comes because we do not want to face our pain, we want to hide from it and so we look for something to ease our pain.

There are thousands of self-help programs, people, organisations that promise to take away all our pain and they promise us that we can be always be happy, feel good and be successful. But just like Westley said, these people are always selling something.

Another way we avoid pain is through mood altering substances or behaviours – alcohol, drugs, smoking, sex, sugar, Netflix, exercise. There are so many things we can use to change the chemical balances in our bodies artificially or naturally, to make ourselves feel better. As a recovering addict I know how attractive it can be to dull the pain for a moment. But those things only ever do the job for a moment and the pain returns.

By making ourselves feel better and using temporary avoidance of pain, we do ourselves a disservice. Because…

Where the pain is, is where you find growth.

Where the pain is, lies an opportunity to get closer to God

Where the pain is, we identify the truth about ourselves.

God never promised we would not suffer pain, in fact in many parts of the Bible we are told to expect suffering, persecution and pain. But God had a plan for us. Not in the comfort of people selling us a false dream or in activities that dull our pain but in faith and trust as we journey through our pain and into healing.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
Isaiah 43:2

God tells us to expect suffering and pain, but also promises to comfort us, strengthen us, protect us, care for us and love us as we walk through the pain. Let yourself feel the pain, sit with it and process it and reap the benefits of walking out the other side. On the other side of pain is perseverance, strength, wisdom and truth.

Confidence and Self esteem Faith Inspiration Stop your excuses

Love Workouts

By Staci McLean on Monday, January 18, 2021

I have signed up to do a half marathon in March. I have done a few in the past but not for 2 or 3 years so I definitely need to train for it.

Training for a half marathon generally involves 4 types of workouts – speed, hills, long and easy. Speed workouts are shorter and faster to increase your pace. Hills increase your endurance and fitness. Long slow workouts help you be ready to cover the distance of a half marathon and easy is a workout but comfortable and enjoyable. Each training workout is designed to develop different skills and abilities. All together they make doing a challenge like a half marathon possible, not just to finish but to enjoy the journey and finish well.

Similarity in our lives if we want to develop perseverance, stamina, strength and tenacity, there are challenges that we must face to build these skills. Just like the workouts, we need different type of experiences to develop a variety of important life skills.

We will face speed challenges, those situations that require us to react quickly and respond immediately. It might be a highly stressful situation which does not last awfully long but requires all our energy and attention at the times.

And we will face the hills, the ups and downs of life. Sometimes we cruise downhill and then we need to put our heads down and give it a burst of energy as we face an uphill battle.

And there will be times when we are in for the long slow challenge. Those projects, dreams, or situations when we need to persevere and pace ourselves during periods of extended challenge or struggle. We are in for the long stretch and slow and steady wins this race.

And then in between we will have times when it is easy. Times when life is in cruise mode, breathing space. We can take a moment to enjoy and be grateful for all that we have.

All these different seasons and experiences we have in our live create our character and develop our resistance. God gives us opportunities to grow and learn for our benefit, these challenges and trials might seem like a bad thing, but they are not. They give us the ability to grow stronger and be ready for the future. Love the workouts.

Confidence and Self esteem Inspiration Stop your excuses

Are you destined to be ordinary?

By Staci McLean on Wednesday, November 11, 2020

Are you destined to be ordinary? Is following goals for other people but not you? Are you quite happy in your comfort zone and not that keen to step outside? It is great other people do that, but it is not for me. When friends talk about their holidays or exciting weekends do you think, that sounds amazing, but I am just not that lucky to have a life like that?

Luck has nothing to do with and you are worthy of having a full exciting life.

I do not believe in luck. The people I know who would be considered ‘lucky’ are the people who get out there, they take risks, they work hard and create the life they want and have a desire to serve others. Some people are born with more advantages in life or more privilege and some are born into a life with many more obstacles and disadvantages, but it does not destine you for a lifetime of being ‘unlucky’.

I did not grow up in a happy home, I was born into turmoil and dysfunction and then made bad decisions for myself and was an alcoholic at 14 years old. I drunk myself into hopelessness and desperation until I was 24 years old and then was saved through my faith in Jesus and becoming part of a church family. You can read more about that in my first book ‘Soaring out of the darkness’. I know what it is like to be damaged and to struggle to just get through a day, dealing with depression, addiction, and heartache. But that is not the end of the story and with hard work, faith and determination any life can be turned around. I have an amazing life now and when people say ‘You are so lucky’ I just laugh as I know luck had nothing to do with it.

For a long time, though I believed I did not deserve a good life, I was broken and unworthy and wanted to be invisible. But over time I realised that I was missing out on incredible adventures and I did not want to miss out anymore.

I am not the adventure kind of person, I do not like roller coasters, and I would never Bungy jump. I just do not get that feeling that people report from those activities. I get my adrenaline rush from marathons, speaking on stage and travelling. So, when a few years ago we were traveling to the Philippines with a group from Ezymovez dance fitness and I found that we could swim with Whale Sharks there. I have no idea why I thought that was a good idea. I am not an ocean girl, I love the beach to sit and read a book, not much into the water although my husband is a surfer and spends a lot of time at the beach and I particularly do not like deep water. But I do love to see animals in their natural environments and whale sharks are huge and it just looks so much fun. I saw the website and I thought ‘I would love to do that.’ So we went to the place where you swim with the sharks and as I waiting to go out in the water I was struck by the ridiculous of where I was, I am just not the kind of person that swims with sharks but I had suggested it and here we were. Often in those situations, I will stay back on the beach and watch the others go and do the cool things, firstly because I don’t want to be seen in a swimsuit but mainly because I just did not see myself as that type of person to have adventures. But I decided I was no longer going to be the girl who sat back and watched all the fun, I was going to be part of it. I am so glad I did, swimming with the Whale sharks was amazing, once in a lifetime experience. I would have regretted it so much if I had not participated due to feeling like I was just not that type of person.

I am not that kind of person – to examine where this thought comes from you need to look at what you are telling yourself and why you are saying it. Who told you what type of person you are? What types of people are there?

Many times, it comes from things people have said to us growing up. When I was at High School, I loved English and History, I love reading and am crazy about English royal history and World War II. But at school, I was never very good at writing essays, but I was good at maths and science. Towards the end of my schooling, a well-intended teacher advised me never to go into a job that required me to write anything because I was so bad at it but to stick to maths and science type careers.

When I decided to write a book, I kept coming back to those words of that teacher, that told me I was not a writer. To get to where I wanted to go, to write a book, I had to push past those words said to me and decide that I was not going to let that stop me. It was just one teacher’s opinion and school results that only tested one type of writing. And I hope since you are still reading, I am doing ok at writing this book.

We believe all sorts of things about ourselves that might be exaggerations or not true at all. Maybe it is ‘I can’t dance’ but who told you ‘you can’t dance’, and why. Perhaps you tried a ballet class when you were 5 years old and did not like to and forever after you told yourself I can’t dance. It does not mean it is true now. Or maybe in your family drawing attention to yourself or doing something for yourself was considered selfish and was discouraged, so now you are the encourager of everyone else dreams but never do anything for yourself.

Take a moment and examine why do you think you are not the kind of person that has goals or dreams or has adventures or enjoys life?

You can be that type of person if you want to. You can change this narrative of your life. We get to choose, so choose to be someone who has joy and is kind and cares for people but also has fun and dreams for themselves.

Confidence and Self esteem Faith Inspiration

This little piggy went to…

By Staci McLean on Tuesday, October 27, 2020

I kicked the door. I did not mean to, but I was rushing around, running late to an appointment and in my haste, I was not paying attention to where I was going. I am clumsy by nature and accidents are a usual accordance for me, so it was not so surprising that I kicked the door as I rushed past.

The only part of my foot that connected to the door was the most vulnerable and smallest part, my wee little toe. If you have had the experience of hurting your little toe in a similar incident, you will understand the agony.

Over the next few days, the toe swelled and turned a blue-black colour and I had trouble walking as putting my foot down was very sore. This very small, not very important part of my body, which I never usually pay any attention to now had my full attention. I could not walk without hurting it. I had trouble wearing shoes. I could not do my normal fitness activities and even sleeping was uncomfortable and difficult.

How can one small part of my body, impact my life so significantly?

In 1 Corinthians 12, Paul compares the church to the human body. Even the smallest, seemly unimportant part of the body is absolutely vital and indispensable. If any part of the body is hurt or damaged the whole body suffers.

My little toe was hurt and damaged, but I did not want to remove it or hide it away instead I wanted to be extra gentle and careful and give it extra attention to restore it back to health.

As the church we can at times overlook the hurt, the damaged, the people on the margins, the ones who are hiding in the shadows or do not quite fit in. Instead we are called to bringing them in, care for them, nurture them, taking special care with them, giving them special honour as they are a vital part of the body of Christ. They are important and significant to the health of the church.

We need diversity and variety. We all have different gifts and talents, and we need each other. A church that is made up of just legs or arms would be useless to the world. We need little toes as much as we need the feet to carry them.

In your rushing about do not overlook the little toes, instead protect and take care of the little toes.

‘Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it’

1 Corinthians 12:27

Confidence and Self esteem Faith Inspiration

Just in case

By Staci McLean on Wednesday, October 14, 2020

On a recent family holiday, I realised I had over packed, once again. I had way too much stuff and way more than we could possibly need. I had clothes for winter and summer conditions and everything in between, good clothes in case we went out, work out clothes in case I went for a run (I didn’t) and spares of everything JUST IN CASE!

It made me realise how much I prepare for ‘just in case’ and the stuff that I have accumulated on my journey through life. It is good to be prepared and sensible but often this translate into our emotional and spiritual lives well. There are so many emotional bags I have collected and keep inside, afraid to let go because of ‘just in case’. How much of this stuff is preventing my spiritual growth and my reliance on God?

When Jesus sent the disciples out to share the good news in Matthew 10, he sent them out in groups of two but without anything and they were instructed not to take any provisions with them. They were sent out and told to rely on the goodness of strangers and on Gods provision. I bet they had wanted to take a few spare pairs of shoes or some food or in least a drink bottle, just in case. But had they done that, they would not have experienced God’s miracles of provision or learnt valuable lessons in trust.

Setting aside money or savings for a rainy day or taking a raincoat with you on a cloudy day is not being unfaithful or untrusting but in fact quite sensible. It is not these things in themselves that are wrong, but when they become our full reliance, our trust, our security instead of God, we are missing out on the miracles and the opportunities.

In an emotional sense, my ‘just in case’ reasoning leads me to withhold just a little bit of my energy or my time or my heart from God and from following the plans God has for me with 100%. ‘Just in case’ is protection and comes from doubt that maybe God will not come through when it matters or perhaps Gods plans will not work out the way I want them too.

When Jesus sent the disciples they were not promised everything would be rosy, in fact they were told they would be rejected, kicked out, ignored by the people, but they would also have their basic physical needs meet and would perform miracles, cast out demons and heal the sick. When they returned, they told of all the amazing things that had happened. I would have loved to hear those stories, faith building testimonies of God’s love and faithfulness.

When you set aside your spiritual ‘just in case’ and wholeheartedly rely and trust on God to keep His promises, to care for you and know what is best for you, you will see miracles, have an impact on the world around you and collect your own stories of Gods faithfulness and love.

“Don’t worry about your future. God knows you completely, accepts you unconditionally and loves you wholeheartedly. You can trust Him”
Nicky Gumbel

Confidence and Self esteem Faith Inspiration

‘I can’t handle it any more’

By Staci McLean on Wednesday, September 9, 2020

What to do when you feel overwhelmed

A wave of dread came over me, I could feel my heart starting to beat faster, my stomach twisting. I felt like I was drowning and could not breathe, a huge weight rested on my chest. Overpowered and unable to think clearly or logically. Overwhelmed by the thought of the day ahead of me.

Have you ever felt like that? Totally overwhelmed, lost and in over your head? Sometimes it can be a huge task ahead of you that fills you with terror and fear or maybe it is just the normal day to day activities that just become too much to handle.

When we feel overwhelmed, it is because we are looking into the future and guessing what those future experiences will be like and we believe that it will be more than what we can handle. It is an emotional response from not being able to see a way through the current situation or not being unable to see a solution to a problem.

Overwhelm can feel like drowning in stress, being crushed or buried by the weight of your responsibilities and the people who are relying on you or your never ending ‘to do’ list. Swamped like this, your spirit and joy for life is extinguished.

The feelings of ‘overwhelmed’ shows themselves in many ways, it is different for each of us. Overwhelm might result in anxiety, anger, irritability, worry, doubt, helplessness, crying, lashing out or panic attacks.

With so much pressure, expectations, and busyness on us in this modern world, it is not surprising that many of us experience feeling of overwhelm and are affected by our responses to it.

The answer to overwhelm is not to do more or to run away and hide. But as Christians, we have a unique perspective to feelings of overwhelm, that is not to fight it but to surrender. It does not matter if you cannot handle any more, God can handle it all for you.

‘From the end of the earth I will cry to you whenever my heart is overwhelmed. Place me on the rock that’s too high for me’. Psalm 61:2.

When we surrender our feelings of overwhelm and surrender our desire to be in control to God and trust God to provide and protect us, He can lift us above our circumstances to give us a more accurate perspective. When we have a God led perspective and peace, we are then in a position to face our problems, make good decisions and cope with what is going on.

From this higher viewpoint, we can distinguish between tasks of necessity and self inflicted overwhelm from perfectionism, unrealistic expectations and over packed schedules. God is interested in your day to day and wants to help guide you to life a life of joy and purpose.

Practical tools to help with overwhelm

Ask for and accept help from other people

You do not need to do everything on your own. Often people want to help they just do not know how or what to do. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but understanding your needs is a part of emotional strength and health.

Be kind to yourself and challenge overwhelm thoughts

Thoughts like ‘I will never be able to do that’, ‘it is too hard’, ‘I can’t do it’, ‘I am useless’ are all unhelpful and unkind to yourself. Be your own best friend and support yourself through positive words and encourage your best efforts.

Set boundaries on your time and workload

Saying NO is ok. You don’t need to say yes to everything that is asked of you. Set boundaries on your time and your energy to do the things that are important and also some fun things.

Action a few quick and easy items first

When you have a long list of things to do and you feel overwhelmed, choose one or two of the easiest and less time-consuming items to do them first and do it immediately. By taking action and making a start you create momentum which will spur you on and motivate you to take action on the rest of your list.

‘The heart of God loves a persevering worshipper who, though overwhelmed by many troubles, is overwhelmed even more by the beauty of God’
Matt Redman

Addiction recovery Confidence and Self esteem Faith

Abandon shame, live free.

By Staci McLean on Wednesday, August 19, 2020

Shame and guilt are words that we use to mean the same thing. But they are vastly different, and they are emotions which have quite different outcomes. One is helpful and leads to an improved life and the other is destructive, breaks relationships and causes pain.

When I first became a Christian, I understood the concept of forgiveness, that through Jesus I was totally forgiven. But even though I knew I was forgiven I was very much still lost in the shame of my past.

In my past, as an alcoholic and as a broken girl, I had done many terrible things and hurt many people. Although there was guilt associated with those behaviours, I had morphed my guilt into shame and self-hatred.

Guilt is a normal and helpful feeling when we have done something wrong. Guilt is the prod from our conscience telling us to correct our error and take action to repair a situation. Guilt is related to a specific behaviour or situation, i.e. ‘I did something wrong’

Shame however is a negative judgement about yourself because of that behaviour, i.e. ‘I AM wrong because I did that’. Shame made me feel powerless and worthless. As a result, I withdrew from people, never let my walls down, was mistrusting of people’s motives and felt in danger of being exposed as a faulty. I felt inadequate and ‘wrong’.

Living with shame is living as a captive, unable to be free or to live life as God intended for us. God does not want us living in shame. Jesus came to set the captive free and allow us to live unashamed and bold. Guilt can give us control and responsibility over our behaviour, but shame is passive and helpless.

Jesus met with many people on the margins of society. He never was ashamed of them nor did he shamed them, but through love and truth, he showed them their guilt and empowered them to change. In Romans 10:11 we are promised that anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.

Shame makes us want to hide in darkness, but Jesus is the light and there is no shame in the light. To conquer my shame, I stopped hiding and stepped into the light. I challenged the inner voice in my mind and separated the feelings of guilt and the shame-based self-criticism.

I learnt to forgive myself and let go of my past. Shame holds on to every mistake or wrongdoing as proof of worthlessness, but the grace of God is forgiveness and mercy, there is no need to hold on anymore. Learn to forgive yourself. Do not reject the gift of forgiveness, if God can forgive you, YOU can forgive you.

Make a stand against shame, it has no place in a Christians life. It will only hold you down and prevent you moving forward. Jesus has broken shame and its hold over you, so let it go.

“SHAME says because I am flawed, I am unacceptable BUT GRACE says though I am flawed, I am CHERISHED!”
Anonymous

Tag Archives: love

You can recover from being a people pleaser

What to do when you feel overwhelmed

Practical tools to help with overwhelm